The Great, Metaphorical Train Trip ~ Part 2

On Friday, we were supposed to go for lunch at Le Cirque with another couple.  They had to cancel due to illness, which left a romantic lunch for two… or should’ve.  The argument over appropriate attire (something I normally deal with using live and let live, but in this case I had called in advance about the dress code after reading something on the restaurant website; I didn’t want to travel all the way downtown only to be refused service) ended with me slamming out the screen door and heading for an extravagant lunch by myself. Once again, a tremendous feat of live and let live program I would not have been capable of three years ago.  That story, in and of itself, is probably worthy of its own post…

However, that story isn’t what I’m writing about today.

I had an epiphanous train trip last week, and I had another one today.  Last week, on the other hand, I got lost.  This week, my train trip was more of the norm: I got on, traveled to my destination, and traveled back.

(Actually, for the record, the downtown train service was unexpectedly canceled, forcing me to take the uptown train one stop to catch the downtown train… another unexpected detour that I handled pretty gracefully.  I had afforded myself enough time for such a delay, and I didn’t let myself get crazy or upset that I might be late.  I maintained my serenity and just kept going… but that’s not the point of the story either.)

The point of the story actually centers around my return trip. Despite the morning’s argument, I had had a great day.

• I drove to the train station around 1 pm, and alternate parking near the train ended at -wouldn’t ya know it?- 1 pm… which meant an entire street of available spots for my choosing.  I was grateful for that.
• I hadn’t let someone else stop me from doing something I really wanted to do.  I was grateful for that.
• I had just eaten an amazing lunch.  I was grateful for that.
• I didn’t feel at all awkward about being by myself when I ran into a co-worker at the restaurant.  I was grateful for that.
• I had managed to hop on the express train home, which meant I’d get home quicker.  I was grateful for that.

Then, I got off the train at the last stop.  A man, in his mid-sixties, dressed neatly, but obviously quite intoxicated, sat on the bench outside the train with his pants at his ankles.  His shirt covered his prodigious belly and, thankfully, his family jewels.  He had clearly soiled his pants, and -in an effort not to sit in the uncomfortable mess- had pulled them down and perched himself bare-bummed on the bench.  His ruined, exposed underwear was visible to everyone getting off the crowded, rush hour train.  It was a small act of grace that his genitals were not exposed, affording him a shred of dignity in the awful tableau.

I didn’t know what to do.  (I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this other than for my own possible catharsis and the need to release it from the disturbed space in my mind where I’ve locked it away.)  I looked at other people’s faces to see if they were seeing it too.  They didn’t know what to do either.  No one looked shocked.  I know that if I were looking down at myself, I wouldn’t have looked shocked either.

I’ve been a New Yorker my whole life, long enough not to be shocked by odd occurrences… but don’t let that fool you into thinking that New York is a wild amazon of debauchery to which its residents are coldly callous and disaffected.  I had never really seen anything like this.

I didn’t know what to do.

All I know is that it affected me deeply.  I was struck with incredible gratitude for my own sobriety, that I have struggled with mental sobriety but never with the arduous, self-effacing task of physical sobriety.  It made me think of my qualifier, who hasn’t been in my life since 2007, but who has often found himself in awkward, embarrassing situations due to his drinking.  I prayed that this wouldn’t someday be him. More than anything else, though, I felt a profound, tangible sadness for this man and his disease, and I pray that his Higher Power gives him exactly what he needs for today.

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